The Learning Curve

Next week, I will be halfway through this pregnancy. When I sit back and actually think about this, I get really nervous and scared. Is it normal to be really nervous and scared about fulfilling a lifelong dream? I suppose. But, I am more nervous than I have ever been. Usually, I use the "mind over body" technique when it comes to something really nerve-racking...but, I don't think that technique will work in this situation. I can tell myself over and over that I will be a good mom, I will know what to do, and it will be OK if I make mistakes; but, I am beginning to realize this may not be enough. You can't ever practice being a mom until you are physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally a mom. And when that moment finally comes, you are thrust into that position so quickly that you become so scared and nervous about doing the right thing. Becoming a mom is like becoming any other profession (in my mind) and all of these such professions require a learning curve. At first, there will be mistakes, but that is the process of a learning curve. In time, you will become so good at what you're doing that mistakes won't even happen. I feel like I am preaching to myself here because the first half of this blog is being doubting myself, and the second half is me telling myself that I will make mistakes and it will be OK. Maybe this "becoming a mom" process is all about a continuous cycle of doubt and reassurance. You can not tell me that there wasn't a single mom in this world who automatically fulfilled this role in the first moments of her child's life; that she never made one mistake and she never doubted herself. Even the women who "were born to be mothers" make mistakes, right?

I guess we can rationalize the "mom learning curve" by comparing it to that of a doctor. As scary as it may seem, all doctors practice on a learning curve. Not a single one graduated with their degree, walked into the operating room the next day, and never made one mistake. They all made mistakes. After years of practice, the mistakes became less and less apparent. I know when my child is older and number 2 comes along, the fear and anxiety of messing up will almost seem silly. I know it seems like I am taking this "profession" way out of hand, but all moms want to be perfect and I am no different.

I have already learned so much just in these first few months of being pregnant, and I am a very fast learner. It only takes me one time to realize what I did and to make sure it happens the same way the next time (thanks to my anal-ness). When David and I went to the pre-baby class at our potential pediatricians office last week, we were handed a book of information dealing with baby's first moments of life and with the next couple of months of life. I sat there reading every single page like I was reading a treasure map. All these questions I had were suddenly answered. It's like I had opened the book of motherhood and all the doubts I had coming into the class were reassured. Will all aspects of motherhood be this simple? Only time will tell. But, I know that there isn't a book to read for everything...that book I will write.